We have all heard that it is important for us to feel our emotions, that compartmentalizing, dismissing or otherwise bypassing unpleasant feelings is an unhealthy way to cope with discomfort. How do we do this though? We come by our avoidant behavior quite innocently, as our culture often encourages us to avoid the more difficult emotions of fear, sadness, shame and anger, and encourages us to linger only with the more pleasant emotions of joy, love, gratitude and positivity. When faced with an unpleasant emotion, our media, culture and often families of origin model a myriad of options to distract our mind, whether through work, food, alcohol, or whatever other coping strategy we choose to employ. Many of us believe that we are feeling our emotions when we are mentally or verbally processing them, however this type of processing, while often a key step in identifying what it is we are feeling, is sometimes another way that we can avoid the emotions themselves. To feel our feelings, it is important to first notice and understand the unique strategies we each employ to avoid feeling them, develop an understanding of why it is so difficult to change these behaviors, and then learn to pause when we notice these behaviors arising.
When our brain bypasses or avoids feeling our emotions, it is usually because it has a belief that the emotions themselves are unsafe. As children, we were not often taught that fear or sadness were safe to fully experience. Instead, we were usually told “don’t be sad’ or “there’s nothing to be afraid of”. Rewriting the narrative that emotions are safe to process within a supportive environment can be an arduous process, and one that can lead to deep emotional healing.
When starting the journey of identifying, feeling and articulating our emotions, it is important to pay attention to our body. Emotions often have a physical component, and when we start to pay attention to the physical manifestations of our feelings, we can use the body as a touchstone to stay present. For example, if you are already aware of an emotion arising, either through being in touch with the emotion or through noticing your behavioral cues, practice pausing and bringing all attention to the emotion. Be curious as to where in the body you are feeling it. Often, fear or sadness is felt in the chest or abdomen, and there is usually an element of discomfort that accompanies these emotions. Some common sensations we might feel are shakiness, an elevated heart rate, tightness, tension, shortness of breath, heaviness or even nausea. Scan the body and notice any physical cues. Next, it can be helpful to bring the intention of curiosity and allowance to the emotion. Rather than trying to make it go away, we can bring an attitude of acceptance to the emotion in order to introduce a sense of safety. Saying “yes” to what we are experiencing can sometimes calm the nervous system that is conditioned to see unpleasant sensations as unsafe. Saying aloud, “I am scared, and I am safe”, or “even though I am sad, I am safe”, can also serve to rewrite our brain’s stories about difficult emotions.
Another helpful practice is to place a hand on your body, either the heart or belly, and take some slower deeper breaths into the area of discomfort. Stay present with the emotion and notice how the mind tries to create a story around what you are feeling. If we can stay present with the emotion, without trying to lessen or strengthen it through our behavior or our mind, it will usually pass on its own. Many people have a deep belief that if we allow ourselves to fully feel our emotions, they will overwhelm us, and we won’t be able to stop crying or experiencing the unpleasant effects. According to Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, a Harvard-trained and published neuroanatomist, ninety seconds is all it takes to identify an emotion and allow it to dissipate while you simply notice it. Allowing an emotion to take up space in our heart and body is the key to healing it. We literally need to feel it to heal it.
Another helpful way to further process your emotions is through intuitive movement. Many of us have heard that deer, after almost being hit by a car or experiencing another form of trauma, will run away initially, and then find a safe space in the forest to lie down and allow their body to shake. This is an intuitive biological mechanism of most mammals. The adrenaline that is initially secreted to supply necessary energy in fleeing a predator or protecting us from other stressful situations needs to be allowed to leave the body. Creating an opportunity to shake, or otherwise move the body physically, allows the emotions and chemicals to metabolize and exit the system. Other practices that can allow the body to experience and flow through an emotion are yoga, martial arts, dance or even an intuitive process of lying on the floor and allowing the body to unwind and move in whatever way it feels is needed. Keep in mind that any practice can serve the purpose of avoidance however, not just ones considered “unhealthy”. If you arepresent with your emotional state while also being present with the body, emotions will be more easily flow into and through you.
Once we have identified an emotion, created safety around the experience of it, and allowed it to take up space in our heart and our body, it is helpful to learn to articulate what it is we are feeling. Whether we communicate our emotional experience through journalling or talking to ourselves, a trusted therapist, friend or partner, an added layer of healing can occur through this process. When speaking of our emotions, it is best to try to be mindful of any stories we create about our feelings. Our mind tends to assign labels, meanings and a binary sense of good and bad, or right and wrong to our emotional experiences, and this usually serves to either heighten or suppress the emotion itself. When communicating our emotions in conversations where conflict has arisen, it’s helpful to create dialogue focusing on our own emotional experience, rather than the cause and meanings we attach to the emotions. Starting our conversations with statements about our own feelings, while vulnerable, serves to better build a bridge toward understanding and connection.
Whichever tools you use to name, feel and articulate your emotions, a licensed professional can be a helpful guide. Licensed therapists can help us identify the source of our emotions, notice areas of difficulty staying present with them, and create a safe container for us to feel our emotions. Resources for mental health support have become more accessible in recent years, and while many people prefer in-person therapy, the Covid-19 pandemic opened up the world of online therapy, with many resources shown here: www.aging.com
